VeggieFantasy
by Morrigan the Nightmare Queen
Summary: PG13 for language. A series of VeggieTales Silly Song rewrites, featuring (most of) your favorite Garden people.
1. The Villains Who Don't Do Anything

Narrator: And now it's time for Silly Songs with Seifer, the part of FFVIII where Seifer Almasy comes out and sings a silly song. Joining him today are Fujin and Raijin, and together they make up that infamous gang of Final Fantasy bastards- the Villains Who Don't Do Anything!  
  
Seifer, Fujin, Raijin:   
We are the villains who don't do anything!  
We just stay at home and torture Zell!  
And if you ask us to do anything, we'll tell you . . .  
  
Seifer: We don't do anything!  
  
Fujin:  
Well, I've never kicked a SeeD grad and I've never killed a Bite Bug  
And I've never murdered teachers for the hell of it all  
And I've never used full phrases, and I've never Limit Broken  
And I've never answered the Commander's call!  
  
All:   
'Cuz we're the villains who don't do anything!  
We just stay at home and torture Zell!  
And if you ask us to do anything, we'll tell you . . .  
  
Raijin:  
We don't do anything!  
And I've never whacked a recruit and I've never tortured Quistis  
And I've never said 'oh screw you' when I torched the Timber mall  
And I've never been a moron and I've never cast L4 Death  
And I've never answered the Commander's call!  
  
All:  
'Cuz we're the villains who don't do anything!  
We just stay at home and torture Zell!  
And if you ask us to do anything, we'll tell you . . .  
We don't do anything!  
  
Seifer:   
Well, I've never mastered Blitzball and I've never dyed my hair blue  
And I've never taken fifty flights in one long lousy fall  
And I've never kissed a gay guy and I've never sang an opera  
And I've never answered the Commander's call!  
  
Fujin: WHAT? NONSENSE!  
  
Raijin: Yeah, that's right, ya know? What's villainous about falling downstairs?  
  
Fujin: BLITZBALL, WHAT?  
  
Seifer: You don't know?  
  
Fujin: NOPE.  
  
Seifer: Oh.  
  
Raijin: And who ever sang opera besides that chick in FF6, ya know?  
  
Fujin: YOU. SING SHOWER. HEARD.  
  
Raijin: That's a lie!  
  
Fujin: 'ARIA DE MEZZO' OFF-KEY.  
  
Raijin: Why you . . . I'll kill you, ya know?!  
  
Seifer:  
And I've never quilted cotton and I've never hugged a poodle  
And I've never written slash-fics 'cause I don't do boys at all  
And I've never juggled fruit pies and I've never washed my trenchcoat . . .  
  
Fujin: SMELL, OBVIOUS.  
  
All:  
And we've never answered the Commander's call!  
  
Raijin: Hey, it said on the news that Squall's going insane and wants to destroy the world, ya know?  
  
Seifer: Not our problem. WHO THE HELL HAS THE REMOTE?  
  
Fujin: SOFA, UNDER.  
  
Seifer: Get it, would you?  
  
Fujin: FUCK NO.  
  
Seifer: Damn! Raijin?  
  
Raijin: . . . ::snore:: . . .  
  
Seifer: Jerk. Oh well, I guess we'll have to watch the Home Shopping Network.  
  
Fujin: CHANNEL, CHANGE MANUALLY.  
  
Seifer: Yeah, but then I'd have to get up.  
  
Fujin: YUCK.  
  
THE END  
  
Disclaimer: The tune of the song, "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything," is part of the VeggieTales productions and I don't own it. Seifer, Fujin, and Raijin belong to Squaresoft. Please don't sue- I'm just playing with them for my own amusement. 


	2. Song of the Saifuu

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Silly Songs with Seifer- the part of the game where Seifer comes out and sings a silly song. Joining Seifer and Fujin today are some of your favorite FF8 characters, ready to enchant you with the stereophonic, multimedia event, "Song of the Saifuu!"  
  
Seifer and Fujin:  
Saifuu!  
  
Seifer:  
This is a song about a Sorceress's Knight . . . a Sorceress's Knight and his girlfriend . . . a Sorceress's Knight and his girlfriend all in a bunch of Saifuu fics . . . a sweet Saifuu, a sad Saifuu, and a sex Saifuu. And some comedy, too.  
  
Um- um- this is a picture of Chickenwuss getting his ass kicked by a Grat. This is Senor Sweater-Vest. Here's me at the Sorceress Memorial. And here's Laguna looking all wimpy-  
  
Raijin, Nida, Xu:  
Oooooooh!  
  
Fujin:  
ME, RAIJIN, FIGHTING.  
  
Raijin, Nida, Xu:  
Aaaaaaaaah!  
  
Seifer: Here's me with a bunch of Sephiroth fangirls . . . and these are their cousins, women all in love with FFVIII. And there's the fics they all write. They're Saifuu!  
  
Quistis: Hold it! You call this a frickin' instructive class frickin' project for Literary and Cultural frickin' Studies, Almasy? You haven't even told us what a Saifuu is yet!  
  
Fujin: ME, SEIFER, ROMANCE.  
  
Quistis: Oh. Carry on, then.  
  
Seifer: Saifuu! Sing it with me! Saifuu!  
  
Raijin, Nida, Xu:  
Saifuu!  
  
Seifer:   
Girl is writing a Saifuu!  
  
R, N, X:  
Girl is writing a Saifuu!  
  
Fujin:  
NOT WRITING A MARY SUE!  
  
R, N, X:  
Not writing a Mary Sue!  
  
Seifer:  
Sweet Saifuu is crying and kissing- Boo hoo goo goo, boo hoo goo goo, boo hoo goo goo, boo hoo goo goo, boo hoo goo goo, boo hoo goo goo goo goo!  
  
R, N, X:  
Boo hoo goo goo, boo hoo goo goo, boo hoo goo goo, boo hoo goo goo, boo hoo goo goo, boo hoo goo goo goo goo!  
  
Fujin:  
DYING CHARACTER OR TWO  
  
R, N, X:  
Dying character or two!  
  
Seifer:  
Can't see fun of good Saifuu!  
  
R, N, X:  
Can't see fun of good Saifuu!  
  
Seifer:   
Sad Saifuu is screaming and dying- Noo noo goo goo, noo noo goo goo, noo noo goo goo, noo noo goo goo, noo noo goo goo, noo noo goo goo goo goo!  
  
R, N, X:  
Noo noo goo goo, noo noo goo goo, noo noo goo goo, noo noo goo goo, noo noo goo goo,  
noo noo goo goo goo goo!  
  
Seifer:   
Saifuu!  
  
R, N, X:  
Saifuu!  
  
Fujin:  
SAIFUU!  
  
R, N, X:  
Saifuu!  
  
All:  
Boo hoo goo goo, noo noo goo goo, noo noo goo goo, boo hoo goo goo, noo noo  
goo goo, boo hoo goo goo, Saifuu!  
  
Seifer:  
But sometimes we aren't through!  
  
R, N, X:  
But sometimes they aren't though!  
  
Seifer:   
Sleep together in Saifuu!  
  
R, N, X:  
Sleep together in Saifuu!  
  
Seifer:   
Sex Saifuu is dirty, restricted- nuh-uh uh uh, nuh-uh uh uh, nuh-uh uh uh,   
nuh-uh uh uh, nuh-uh uh uh, nuh-uh uh uh uh uh!  
  
R, N, X:  
Nuh-uh uh uh, nuh-uh uh uh, nuh-uh uh uh, nuh-uh uh uh, nuh-uh uh uh, nuh-uh uh uh uh uh!  
  
Fujin: DAMN.  
  
Quistis: Wait! What happens next?!  
  
Seifer: Ummm . . .   
  
Quistis: You can't leave it hanging like that! Does Cid know about what happens? Is there  
any dark secrets involved? How did Fujin REALLY lose her eye? And, Hyne help us, is there  
going to be a chibi-Almasy running around Garden in nine months?  
  
Seifer: Hey, look, there's me and Fuu at the Triple Triad Play-Off! Forgot about that one.  
There's me and those fangirls again.  
  
Quistis: Who oversees this project, anyway? Xu? Hey, Xu, I need to speak to you about this  
little ingrate leaving a story half-done. Xu? . . . XU?!  
  
Seifer: Whoa, a Saifuu! Saifuu!  
  
R, N, X:  
Saifuu!  
  
Fujin:  
WAIT, QUIEFER. DAMN.  
  
R, N, X:  
No more song about Saifuu! Need a chapter more or two! Reader-girl is swooning and sniffing,  
ooh ooh goo, ooh ooh goo, ooh ooh goo, ooh ooh goo goo goo go!  
  
Raijin: Thanks, Seifer. This song got me out of Theory of Knowledge class, ya know?  
  
Nida: Oh, well- guess I have to go back to flying the Garden now.  
  
All: Adios! 


	3. His Limit Break

He said to her "I won't Limit Break  
Cuz I can slice up Irvine real well!"  
She said to him "You'll look like raw chopped steak"  
And he said "Ain't this a battle?"  
  
She said "Yes it is, but they're good guys  
And you'll just get your cute ass all kicked."  
He said "Oh fuck-all that's really just not fair  
Guess I have to let me be licked."  
  
Just for my limit break  
His cool limit break  
He'll hurt for you, ya  
He'll hurt for you  
Oh, for his limit break  
His kickass limit break  
  
He stayed in the battle for hours  
The posse saved him once or twice  
When he spotted his junctioned-up powers  
Zantetsuken reverse- with no price!  
  
How could he resist such a magic  
He really had to knock off that kid  
Limit Break, please do not get angry  
He'll call you when he hits a skid!  
  
'Cause you're his Limit Break  
His cool Limit Break  
Call you next time  
He'll call on you next time  
Won't be so long, Limit Break  
Until his next big scrape  
Call on you next time  
He'll call on you next time  
  
You are his Lim . . . it . . . Break! 


End file.
